Fitting a Fred Meyer shopping cart in the elevator at my apartment complex wasn't as easy as I thought it was going to be, but I had to stick with my plan. I was on a mission and nothing was going to stop me. I left the apartment and located an abandoned shopping cart, and then grabbed it and swiftly plowed into the basement entrance, much to the chagrin of the USPS letter carrier that I nearly ran over. From there it was a tricky maneuver to get the cart into the Sudden Death Elevator.

But the effort was all worth it. You see, the cans and bottles in our apartment had been getting out of control for a while now. Back in December I was going to meet a nice homeless person and give them a ton of stuff, but it didn't quite work out - I'm lazy, and the transients around my building are none-too-friendly. So, for the last few MONTHS the pile got bigger and bigger. And my girlfriend's nagging about it got louder and louder. Something had to be done - and today was the day.

Now, I have no idea how people even get the shopping carts all the way up to NW 23rd, since they have those damn locking wheel mechanisms installed. It was enough trouble maneuvering through the apartment building, and then into my apartment.
And of course, there's the motion alarm. When the carts pass the parking lot perimeter at Fred Meyer the cart starts beeping whenever the 'special wheel' moves - which for a shopping cart is near-always. MEEEP-MERP! MEEEP-MERP! MEEEP-MERP! MEEEP-MERP! MEEEP-MERP! MEEEP-MERP!
I hear those damn wheel alarms from blocks away at night, so I can imagine that my neighbors were in their apartments going, "What the fuck?" as I drove it through the hallway. MEEEP-MERP! MEEEP-MERP! And KyAnn, looked half-shocked (and possibly half-impressed) when she saw the stolen cart in the kitchen.



But, when it was all loaded up taken back down to the sidewalk, phase two had begun. So, I made my perilous trek down several long blocks. MEEEP-MERP! MEEEP-MERP! All the while looking like a soon-to-be really wealthy homeless guy. MEEEP-MERP! Some people gave me disapporving glances, but most people laughed at me as I tried desperatlely to drag the beeping cart, while fighting against the locking wheel.

Phase Three. When I started working the can machine, I was a siren song for homeless guys to come running. A few passed by and watched me recycle the cans, and I know one guy was sizing-up whether or not he could grab my can bags and run. Eventually, it was just me and my new friend Homeless Jack. He was quite helpful in pointing out which items wouldn't make it through the machine, and a few pointers on how to cheat the machine, as well. In the end, I gave him around $9 of the refund money, and kept the other half for myself. And with that money, I bought a cold can of beer, and drank it all the way home, as a reward for a hard morning's work.