I'm still living from one hotel room to the next. Since my moving van hasn't arrived in Greenville yet, and I don't really have a job - I decided to hop on a plane to Orlando, Florida and pick up some freelance work for a week.

But this week, I'm no photographer. Hell no. I'm something much worse different.

I'm The Consultant.



I was hired by the national, sleeper-hit morning show, The Daily Buzz to do some editing/photography consulting. Although, I can't really tell you much more than that, due to client/consultant confidentiality privilege or whatever (see how professional I am, already!).

This whole job is kinda weird for me considering my ambivalence towards "wacky morning zoo crew" stuff, and my open mocking of media consultants (and their bizzarro visits). If you've never had the pleasure of meeting with a consultant, go rent Office Space and watch for the two Bobs.

Here are a few of my favorite consultant visits from the past:

1997 - My news room had a consultant-turned-news-director come in and have a meeting with the crew. He had all these weird old-school handouts with "zany" clip art. I don't think the handouts were even photocopied, I think they were mimeographed. Anyway, he had a thing where he told all of us, "People watch TV news for the BIG and LOUD words. If you were to show the important words on the screen, they'd be BIG and LOUD. Let's all talk that way for a minute..."

1999 - Former KPTV news director, John Sears had the entire staff come in one Saturday for a meeting with team of consultants. It went on forever, but they had some interesting things to say. Well, that was until they (*NO JOKE*) had us do trust fall exercises. "Okay, producers catch writers! Photographers catch reporters!" And, as if that was humiliating enough, they had us break into teams, adopt a PET EGG, dress it up, and then do a little skit about it for the rest of the news room. I think that defining moment was when I officially became such a hardcore photographer.

Also, I drew this [reproduced] sketch of one of the consultants that afternoon.



2003 - Eight months after our company merger, some consultant-types came in and talked to everyone about "how to cope in a time of change" (or how we should've coped, I guess). It wasn't all that bad, but one of the consultants talked in BIG and LOUD 'buzz words'. He used one [buzz word] so much that we changed that word to [dildo], and it made the rest of the afternoon the most vibrant and exciting presentation I've ever seen.

Anyway, I look back at all of this quite differently now, since I'm the one waving my arms wildly and giving unsolicited critiques to anyone within earshot. I even found myself doing something called a, "workflow analysis" a few hours ago. Seriously.





And, as I sit in the corner taking notes on my laptop, I realize that now I'm that weird consultant-dude that I drew that picture of six years ago. "Oh man. I am a total tool. I don't think I'm all that annoying, but maybe I've come across that way. Oh damn, I got a powdered doughnut all over my shirt. They're looking at me again. Stop talking to yourself. Okay I will. No, stop talking. Ok."



At about noon I finished up my work for the second day, made some small talk with folks, and then drove my rented Kia Odyssey to my hotel room. Moments ago, I plopped down into my chair with some white castle hamburgers and listened to the resounding silence of the La Quinta Inn.

*chirp chirp*

I think there's a moment that every young consultant learns a lesson, himself: consultants need love too.